Tips for Seattle drivers

Not growing up in Seattle I’m not really sure how the driving schools work here. Or even if drivers are required to take a driving test to get their license. Based on what I’ve witnessed over the last few years, I’d like to offer the Seattle community my advice. And, in doing so, I think I can eliminate traffic congestion in the Seattle area, with no increase in taxes.

In no particular order…

  1. HANG UP YOUR FVCKING PHONES! Dammit this just pisses me off. No shortages of idiots driving way to slow on freeways in this town, clogging traffic. And 90% of the time its someone yapping on their phone. It is really, really irritating watching half the drivers on the road engrossed on their phones. Take the bus, people.
  2. Repeat after me: SLOWER TRAFFIC MOVE RIGHT. Related to #1, just get your slow ass out of the way so some of us can actually accelerate our cars up to the posted speed limit. Thank you.
  3. If you are driving 65 in a 70, and you see a cop, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SLAM ON YOUR BRAKES and bring your speed down to 55. Assmunch.
  4. The purpose of an on-ramp is to GET YOUR SPEED UP AND MATCH THE SPEED OF TRAFFIC. Most on-ramps in Seattle are beautiful – like a quarter mile long. Great for getting up to speed(as opposed to those crazy short ones in the middle of downtown Chicago to get on the Dan Ryan). GOT IT?
  5. DO NOT SLAM ON YOUR BRAKES to try and move right to get off the freeway. Either a) get your dumb ass in the right lane sooner, or b) go to the next exit. Jesus frickin Christ people.
  6. Can someone explain to me why drivers in this town do 60 on the freeways if they are dry, but if they have a little ice on them people drive 80? WTF? Gee, I wonder why there are five cars flipped over in the ditch on my right (true story)? Sorry I don’t have sympathy for those that don’t understand the basic laws of physics.
  7. The HOV lane is not a requirement to drive in; its just a lane that only 2+ passenger vehicles can drive in. Given that, please read point #2 AGAIN.
  8. PLEASE, PLEASE stop slamming on your brakes to let the slow people in #4 get on the freeway. It’s their job to match the speed of the freeway, not the other way around.

Ok, enough of my soapbox, you get the point. Or, maybe not. If not, then how about this: if you drive a car in Seattle, you are contributing to global warming and killing lots of polar bears. And trees. And Al Gore will be very disappointed in you. Barack Obama too. So take the bus. Better for all of us.

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